Pushing Aside Desires
by beastboys secret
Summary: Beast Boy and Raven are finally growing closer, but why is Raven suddenly pushing him away? My very first fanfic of this type, so all constructive criticism is welcome! Rating for later chapters.
1. A Stormy Night's Kiss

Disclaimers: I don't own Teen Titans, obviously. I only like to pretend that I do.

The velvet blackness of the night was a silent as death itself when Beast Boy awoke suddenly. He awoke without any sort of fanfare - no quick gasp of breath, moan, nor even a scream that was shortened by the realization that it was only a dream. However, as his green irises scanned his darkened ceiling, he knew was completely and irreversibly awake. Sighing softly, he sat up in bed and swung his legs over the side.

The humidity hit him with almost a physical force. Despite weather forecasts to the contrary, a storm front had settled stubbornly upon the city. The dark, heavy clouds would grumble with thunder now and again, but the rain refused to fall. For three days now, the front had lingered like a huge, sweltering dog that refused to leave as the humidity pelted everyone.

Although it was uncomfortable, Beast Boy knew that it wasn't the humidity that had caused him to awaken so fully. Instead, it was the dream that had interrupted his sleep; a dream that still haunted and teased his conscious mind. In all reality, he couldn't really remember many of the actual details - except for the girl.

There had been a girl in the dream and they (the girl and him) had been going somewhere together. He couldn't remember where they were trying to go, but he could remember her face clear. Rather, he could remember her _faces_ clearly. Sometimes, she had looked like Terra while other times she had resembled Raven. Occasionally, she had even been an amalgamation of the two, but one thing had remained constant throughout.

Her name throughout had been Raven.

He stood up suddenly, running one hand through his hair as if trying to force the memories of the dream from his mind. Without bothering to put on a shirt, he left his room wearing only the shorts in which he had been sleeping. It wasn't as if he was likely to run into anyone this time of night. Stealthily, he made his way into ops, the room seeming cavernous and silent with the others asleep. The impressive view granted by the windows that dominated the eastern wall revealed that flashes of lightening was dancing along with the thunder. Perhaps, the rain that had been promised for so long was finally about to fall.

Walking over to the windows, he placed his hand upon the glass just as the clouds burst. Beast Boy could feel the heat dissipating almost immediately as the rain streaked down the window. It almost looked as if the view from behind a waterfall and, for a moment, he felt at peace.

"I'm surprised you're awake," a voice intoned behind, startling him. He whirled about quickly and saw Raven standing there, her figure nearly cloaked by the shadows.

"I just woke up," he answered quickly, "It looks like it's finally starting to rain." He flashed her his habitual smile, but it felt fake upon his face - like an ill-fitting Halloween mask. He only hoped that she hadn't noticed as he turned his attention back to the storm. The truth was, he felt a little uncomfortable standing there in only his shorts with the wisps of his peculiar dream still wafting in his mind. It certainly hadn't been an erotic or even inappropriate dream (at least what he could remember) but he had been dreaming of Raven all the same.

She didn't say anything at first as she walked up behind him, her footsteps whispering upon the floor. He watched her reflection, but turned away again when she came close enough for their eyes to meet. Instead of her, he looked down at the raging waters as he felt the emotions churning within him with a similar, chaotic force.

A soft noise caught his attention, and, despite his intentions, he looked up and locked eyes with the reflected Raven. The water still poured down the window, so that she looked like a pale corpse drowing in the sea. To Beast Boy's shock, it appeared that she was crying. "Raven?" he asked, turning to finally face her, "Is something wrong?"

She wasn't crying. That had been a trick of the lighting and rain - but her deep violet eyes held more emotion in that second then he had ever witnessed before. Her lips were trembling and he could see her entire body was shaking. Forgetting how uncomfortable he had felt, he stepped closer and placed his hand beneath her chin to raise her face. How cold she felt! "What's wrong?" he asked again, "What is it?"

"It's," she began, but her voice shook horribly and trailed off before she continued. A single tear brimmed in her eye with the brillance of a lost diamond as she cast her eyes toward the floor. "I should be going back to bed," she finally said, turning away but nearly stumbling as if she was struggling beneath a heavy weight.

"Wait," he instructed, "I'll help you."

"No," she started to protest, but he aleady had his arm gently around her.

"It's okay," he said softly, "I'm here. Do you need me to carry you or anything?"

She almost managed a smile. "No, but thanks. I just think I need to get back to my room right now."

"I'll go with you," he said, and this time she didn't argue. Silently, they made their way to Raven's room and Beast Boy helped her inside. He had never felt particularly comfortable in her room and all the factors tonight made that feeling especially strong. Struggling to keep these feelings inside, he helped Raven towards her bed and he expected her to sit down almost immediately. However, he was completely unprepared for what was to happen.

One minute, he was standing by her bed with his arm around her and the next, she had turned to face him. Their noses were nearly touching as their eyes met briefly. Beast Boy was aware that his arm was still about her shoulders, but made no effort to move it asshe placed both of her arms around his back.

"Raven?" he asked quietly.

She moved first, leaning so quickly he didn't have a chance to move away even if he had wanted to. He was surprised to find her own soft lips pressed tightly against his own, but he wasn't too surprised to react. He returned the kiss with the same force, as he hands slid down the contours of her back, pushing her body closer to his.

Suddenly, she broke free of hands and stepped away. "No," she mumbled.

"What's wrong?" he asked for the third time that night, her lips still tingling with their kiss.

"You need to leave," she said slowly, as if the words came with some difficulty.

"But, Raven," he began, "I thought-"

"Just go!" she exclaimed, her words puncuated by a bright flash of lightning and the roar of thunder.

He stood for another minute, as she sat down on the bed, still confused by what had just happened. Still, she had told him to leave so he did as she instructed and left the room without another word. What had just happened? And why had Raven pushed him away? Had he done something wrong?

"I just don't understand," he said aloud.

The rolling thunder provided his only answer.

AN: This is my first story like this as well as my first Teen Titans story, so please be kind when you review. Any and all constructive criticism is greatly appreciated. Hopefully, if people seem to like this first part, I will have the second section up soon. Thanks for reading.


	2. More Questions than Answers

AN: Thanks for all of the wonderful reviews. I would have had this chapter up sooner, but I was visiting family. There are more notes at the end of this chapter.

The sun arose on a day that gleamed like a jewel as all remnants of the storm were washed away. The clouds that floated across the azure expanse of the sky were docile and white - nothing like their dark brothers which had brooded over the landscape for far too long. Birds sang cheerfully from the glistening trees as the flowers awoke to greet the coming day. To say that it was merely a beautiful day was a regrettable understatement.

Beast Boy lay on his bed, still staring up at his ceiling as he had done for much of the night. The storm was not over for him. His mind still churned with a vortex of questions. Since his encounter with Raven, he had repeated the scenario over and over within his memory - searching for some nuance he had possibly missed. Yet, no matter how he studied the matter, the answers still eluded him. He knew that Raven had appeared upset, and he had a suspicion that it was his fault - but he didn't know what he had done. Raven had made the first move...hadn't she?

Shaking his head, he got up and dressed. While he still didn't have the answers, brooding about it in bed wasn't going to solve anything. He was going to have to simply have to talk directly to Raven. Slowly, he made his way into Ops, but was immediately disappointed. Robin, Starfire, and Cyborg were there, but there was no sign of Raven. Perhaps, she was still in her room.

"It is such a lovely day," Starfire was commenting as he walked in, "It would be nice to go to the park and have one of those picnics."

"That's not a bad idea," agreed Robin, "It has been awhile since the weather's been this nice."

"And I have some ribs just perfect for grilling," Cyborg added.

"Where is Raven?" Starfire asked, "Should we not tell her of what we have planned?"

"I think she's meditating on the roof," Robin answered, "I'll go up and see if she wants to join us."

"I'll go," Beast Boy said, a shade too quickly, "I mean that I don't care to." He was briefly concerned that the others might have heard his eagerness and realized that something wasn't quite right, but they seemed too involved in their own plans to notice.

"Okay," Robin consented, "We'll be getting the rest of the stuff ready."

"But hurry back," Cyborg spoke up, "because I'm not carrying all of the picnic junk by myself like I did the last time."

Beast Boy laughed, but his heart really wasn't in it as he turned to hurry up onto the roof. Just as Robin had thought, Raven was indeed there and she was meditating, levitating as always just above the roof. Beast Boy stood there for a moment, regarding her cloaked back with confusion and dread. He knew he needed to talk to her, but he had no idea how he would even began to broach the subject. The only sounds that reached their perch was the distant noises of the city that moaned and hissed like ancient beasts.

"I know you're there," Raven finally said, breaking the silence.

"I didn't know if you did," Beast Boy responded, "and I didn't want to disturb you."

"That's okay," she said, "I was having trouble concentrating anyway." She turned so that she could look at him slightly. "Is there anything you want?"

He cleared his throat, his nervousness coiling in his stomach like an angry snake. "The rest of the guys are going on a picnic," he said, "Do you want to come?"

She seemingly considered the proposition for a moment before answering. "No. I'm not really a picnic type of person. I think I'll just stay here."

"Oh, well they wanted me to ask you. You sure you don't want to join us?"

"Yes, I'm sure. Thanks for asking though." She turned around to begin her mediation once more, but Beast Boy lingered.

"Look," he blurted out suddenly, "I'm not sure what's going on, but if I've done something to upset you, then I'm sorry."

"What?" she asked, turning completely around to face him, "What are you talking about?"

"Last night," he clarified, "I didn't mean to do anything. Honest. You know I hate for anyone to be mad at me - especially you." He could feel his cheeks burning and he knew that he was blushing slightly beneath his green cheeks.

Raven put her feet upon the ceiling and stood there looking at him in something akin to surprise. "You didn't do anything," she said, "And I'm not mad at you."

"Then what's going on?" he insisted.

"It's just..." her voice trailed off and she shook her head. Quickly, she started to walk past him and down the stairs, but he grabbed her left arm.

"What?" he asked.

"I can't tell you," she answered, looking down and away from his eyes.

"Is it a secret?"

"In a way."

"What? Is it the kind of secret you see people revealing on Jerry Springer?" he asked lightly.

She spun around to face him and he wished he could take back the words. It was a well-known fact that Raven hated the controversial show, so Beast Boy had said it purely to gain her attention. Yet, now he was afraid that he had only angered her and complicated the problem. To his surprise and relief, she actually smiled slightly.

"No," she said, "that would be if I was having an affair with Starfire behind Robin's back."

Beast Boy was so shocked, that he couldn't even respond at first as he stared at Raven, wide-eyed. Suddenly, he began laughing deeply and genuinely. She also began, and their laughter became a brief, beautiful duet. Her laughter was rare but melodious.

"Uh-oh," he said suddenly.

"What?" she asked, her laughter taping off.

He gave her his most mischievous grin. "Mental images," he said, simply.

"Don't you dare!" she exclaimed, hitting him in the upper bicep.

"Too late!" he yelled, as he grabbed her right arm as if in defense to her hitting him.

It was as it was the night before. He was holding her arms and they were standing dangerously close as their eyes locked. She was leaning forward again, but Beast Boy didn't move. As much as he wanted to, he didn't move.

Suddenly, her eyes grew wide as she jumped back, jerking her arms free. "I'm sorry," she mumbled.

"Don't apologize," he said, "Just tell me what's wrong."

She looked at him pleadingly. "I'm not going to lie," she began, "and say there's nothing wrong. We both know that there is. But, I can't tell you what it is."

"Why not? Don't you think that I'll understand or something?"

"It's not that," she answered, "I just don't know how to tell you. I don't think there are even words to explain something like this."

"Raven," he said softly, reaching for her arms.

She pulled away gently. "Please," she cried, "I just can't trust myself to be around you right now." With those words, she turned and left the roof as she retreated inside.

Beast Boy stood there in the golden rays, feeling suddenly cold despite the sunshine. What could be going on? He only wished he knew. Yet, it was Raven's final words that haunted him the most...

Why couldn't she trust herself around him?

AN: I actually meant to go into what's happening with Raven in this section, but it ran a little long. The next chapter will definitely have Raven's point of view so that everyone will know her reason's for acting this way. Thanks again to all those who took the time to review. The next section should be up soon.


	3. Raven's Reasons

AN: Sorry I took so long to post this section. This chapter deals with Raven's reasons and it was quite difficult to write. I did my best to reveal what was going on without 'degrading' the entire theme of the story. Hopefully, I was successful.

Raven's room was cool compared to the roof as she stepped inside and allowed the door to close behind her. Yet, her breathing was still rapid and sweat was clinging to her brow as she leaned her back against the door, slowly calming herself. She hadn't lied to Beast Boy. What was going on was a secret, horrible and true, and she had no idea of how she could ever reveal it.

She had noticed something was different a few weeks prior as her normally calm mind became swamped with ideas and images that were quite embarrassing to say the least. This isn't to say she had never thought about sex before - of course she had, but this was different. Every time she closed her eyes, there seemed to be a porno playing on an endless reel within her mind and even the most innocent comment or glance suddenly had an erotic appeal. It was embarrassing and nerve-wracking. She was constantly worried that the others had an inkling of what was going on inside her now perverted and over-sexed mind, so she began to retreat to seclusion as she had done in the past. Countless moments were spent pouring over books as she tried to figure out what was happening.

When she finally discovered the answer, it brought her no relief. Instead, it frustrated her even more for it made her feel helpless and degraded. The answer wasn't in a book, but in one brief and horrifying moment it rose within her mind as if it had always been there.

Her bloodline was demanding a continuation. Her body was practically screaming for a child.

The idea revolted her for it felt as if she was no more than an animal being overwhelmed with the basest of desires. Besides, she certainly didn't want to be pregnant and not in these kind of circumstance. Now more determined than ever to fight the urges, she buried herself in more studies as she willed this time to pass quickly. Yet, it wasn't easy as all that. Sighing, she stepped away from the door as she heard the others gathering supplies for their picnic and happily leaving. She was alone. This is how it always was.

She had thought she had gotten control of the feelings until the other night. In the heat before the pending storm, her thoughts and feelings had raged like never before and this time she found herself thinking of Beast Boy. It wasn't the first time, but the feelings had reached a whole new intensity. Shakily, she had left her room and stepped through the darkened hallway towards his bedroom door where she had stopped. Silently, she looked at his closed door as she struggled to maintain her composure.

The door opened suddenly and Beast Boy had stepped into the hall, oblivious to her standing there draped in the shadows. Stealthily, she followed him from a distance and watched as he gazed out into the night. She had spoken to him, hoping that it was break the feeling that consumed her, but that hadn't been the case once they had reached her bedroom.

She had liked the kiss and the way he had felt with her arms around her, as if this was the way everything was meant to be - but the circumstances was all wrong. There had been such hurt in his eyes when she had pushed away, but she had to. She had to.

_And why did you have to_, whispered an acidic voice within her mind. _Why would be so wrong?_

It just would have been, she answered the voice mentally.

_But why? Don't you have feelings for him?_

Even if I do, she thought, it still would be wrong. My real feelings would be overshadowed by these desires. It would be sex for the mere sake of a bodily need - not exactly the way I plan to surrender my virginity. My feelings don't matter. It doesn't matter if I...

_If you what?_

Before she could answer the internal voice, a soft knock interrupted her mental conversation. She jumped and turned towards the door just in time to hear his voice.

"Raven?" Beast Boy asked gently, "Are you in there?"

AN: And so ends another chapter. I hope that everyone enjoyed it.


	4. Confessions and Lies

Raven jumped, her heart thudding as she regarded the closed door. Had her desires finally driven her crazy? She could have sworn she had just heard Beast Boy, but everyone else (including Beast Boy she assumed) had gone to the picnic. Hadn't they?

"Raven," Beast Boy softly repeated, erasing all the doubt within her tortured mind.

"What are you doing here?" she asked sharply, "Why didn't you leave? I thought you were going to the park."

There was a long and torturous pause. "I thought about going," he finally answered, "but I'm worried about you. You said that what was going on with you didn't have anything to do with me, but you're wrong."

"But I told you," she said, "I'm not mad at you and this is not your fault."

"Just because it may not be my fault doesn't mean it doesn't concern me," he replied, "I want to help you, if I can, but I can't even try if you don't let me. Please, tell me what's going on."

"I don't know how," she whispered, shaking slightly.

"You can tell me anything," he assured her, "just not through a closed door."

She took a deep breath and quickly opened the door before she could change her mind. There he was, standing before her with genuine concern plainly written upon his features, but she dared not move. The silence of the empty Tower loomed about them as they stood looking at one another.

Beast Boy broke the silence. "Thanks," he said, taking a step towards her.

She put her hands in front of her to stop his approach. "Don't," she simply stated, "I'll do my best to tell you what the problem is, but not here. We need to be out in the open."

"In the open?" he repeated, his puzzled tone turning the phrase into a question.

"Yes," she clarified, "Let's walk down by the water."

She stepped out of her room and walked past him, careful not to so much as brush against his body. She could hear his footsteps whispering upon the floor behind her, but she didn't turn around as they made their way out of the Tower and onto the island. It was a beautiful day, but it seemed it seemed almost to mock her state of mind. For a brief moment, she wished the sun would hide behind a cloud and the soft breeze would cease blowing. Finally, she made it to the water's edge, where the waves lapped against the worn rocks.

"We can't go any farther unless we want to swim," Beast Boy said, lightly.

Raven knew he was urging her to speak, but her words seem to catch in her throat. "I don't know how to say this," she began, "I guess you have a right to know, but this is really embarrassing." She sighed deeply as she peered into the deep blue water.

"Just do your best," he encouraged her.

She sighed again as she rallied all of her available strength. If she was to do this, she had to get started. It was probably best if she just said outright. "Well," she managed, "You see, there is something going on inside of me. Inside my body."

"Your body?"

"Yes. It wants me to, uh, be pregnant," she blushed slightly, but she managed to say the horrible secret she had been hiding, "So, I just keep thinking about, well, sex. It's all I can think about and I can't trust myself to keep fighting it."

"Oh," was all that he said, and she risked a glance back at him. He was blushing, and his eyes were comically wide and round. She felt laughter building up inside, but held it back for fear it would hurt his feelings.

"So you see why I have to keep you at a distance," she continued turning back to face the waters, "or who knows what might happen."

"Oh," he repeated, "Uh, can I ask a question?"

"Yes."

"Is it everyone you can't trust yourself around or is it me?" His blush deepened as he asked.

She had been expecting that question, but she still felt no more prepared to answer it. "Everyone," she said in a tone barely above a whisper.

He paused for a moment. "Do you know how long this will last?"

"I wish that I did. Hopefully it will just run its course soon, but who knows. It might go on forever until I give in. Do you understand why I can't be around you now?"

"Yeah," he answered in a strangely flat tone, "I wouldn't want you to do something that you'd regret." Quietly, he left and made his way back into the Tower.

Raven turned to watch him go, the lie feeling bitter on her tongue. After all, it wasn't everyone that caused these desires to reach their highest potentials.

It was him.

AN: I hope you enjoy reading this section. I appreciate any and all reviews.


	5. Broken Hearts, Concealed Desires

Beast Boy walked alone into the Tower, his heart heavy as he dragged his feet slightly. Now, he had the answers to his questions, but he was even more unsettled then before. He now knew what was bothering Raven, and a part of him could even appreciate that she had trusted him enough to confide. After all, it couldn't have been easy for her to say what she had. Still, he couldn't help but wish things were different.

The truth was - he felt like a fool.

He made his way into Ops and plopped down upon the sofa. Locating the remote, he flipped on the television and began to surf though the channels. He was searching for anything that could distract him, but his thoughts were louder than any of the shows or commercials. When he had asked Raven if it was only him, he had been hoping for a different answer. Even before their kiss, he had found himself thinking of her so much lately and wondering if there could ever be anything between them. Then came the night of the storm. The heat was broken as well as the barriers that had existed between them - if only for a moment.

Yet now, he realized that it was really nothing. She was struggling with urges and he was the one that just happened to be there. If Robin or Cyborg had been in the room with her that night, would she had kissed them? He hated to admit, but if he wasn't anything special to her, then it probably wouldn't have mattered who it was. It was times like this that he couldn't help but wonder: was he not allowed to have someone? Fate, destiny, whatever you wanted to call it had a habit of taking people away from him.

He was a fool.

Suddenly, he felt the weight of someone's gaze upon him, and he turned to see Raven standing in the doorway. The sadness in her eyes mirrored his own feelings as they looked at each other, neither speaking nor moving. Beast Boy wanted to say something, but he just couldn't see to find any words that fit. As ridiculous as it was, he was a little angry at her because, while it hadn't been intentional, she had led him on and caused him to think of the impossible as possible.

She dropped her gaze and slowly turned to leave the room and Beast Boy's guilt crashed upon him like a heavy wave. He had no right to be angry at anyone but himself.

* * *

Raven made it back to her room just as the first few tears slipped down her face like slender, silver fingers. She had never been one to lie, but yet she had just now. Now, Beast Boy was sitting there alone and looking so very upset, but she couldn't comfort him. She knew what would happen if she did, even if it was her fault that he was upset. The truth shined in her mind with the brilliance of the sun - she did love him and that was all the more reason she had to stay away. To sleep with him now while she was in this state would only undermine her true feelings.

Besides, for once the truth would only make things worse. It was best that he didn't know. Her only hope was that these urges would soon subside, but even then could she confess her feelings?

She didn't know. She just didn't know.

AN: I just realized that this story is a bit of a 'tease.' Since it's all about waiting, I guess I'm just making everyone else wait (kidding), but don't worry. I only have 2-3 more chapters planned and I've already written the final scene in my mind. Hopefully, everyone will be happy with what is to happen. Thanks for all the wonderful reviews. This is the first story I've written like this, so I really appreciate any and all encouragement. Look on the bright side - this story may tease but at least I'm a quick updater.


	6. Truth's Moment

Time seemed to pass slowly, as if a great fog had fallen over the Tower, muffling the ticking of the second as the clock's hands moved at a snail's pace. Beast Boy was still sitting on the couch, his eyes focused on the television that he wasn't actually watching, when the others returned. He tried to smile because he knew they would ask questions if he didn't and just didn't feel like trying to find the answers just now. It felt fake, but either his act was convincing or they just didn't notice that anything was wrong. Robin did notice that Raven had returned to her prior, reclusive ways and asked about - his tone hinting that he thought there had been another argument between her and Beast Boy. At that, Beast Boy struggled not to laugh, but he feigned ignorance as to Raven's problems. After all, something so personal should only be shared by Raven, if she chose to do so.

Yet, as he watched the slow moving hands of time, Beast Boy could help but wonder: what exactly was he waiting on or for? Even Raven did not no how long she would experience the desires and there was no guarantee that there would even be an end. Even if she did return to normal, it wouldn't be mean there could ever be a relationship. He had interrupted the kiss incorrectly. Raven had even said that he hadn't been anything but an urge brought on by her own body's desire for reproduction. Even it was something that he wanted, she had to want it as well for anything to happen. Yet, despite this he continued to wait as he moved through his daily routines as if drifting through a dream.

Then one morning, as he was watching television, he heard Starfire cry out, "Raven, it has been too long since we have seen you!" He turned and saw Raven standing there, the others talking to her. She didn't look any different then before, not he had really expected her to, but the sight of her looking the same as always tore at his heart slightly. She hadn't changed, apparently, even if he had.

"So why have you been hiding?" Starfire asked.

"I just had some things I had to work out on my own," Raven answered, glancing at Beast Boy with a knowing look.

Beast Boy nodded in return, but he was still upset. Leaving his friends to question her, he quietly left the room and made his way down the hall.

"Beast Boy, I think we need to talk," a voice spoke up behind him. He turned and was not surprised to see Raven standing there as she had apparently followed him.

"Okay," he said, carefully. He wanted to add more, but he was afraid to say to much.

She made a movement for him to not speak. "I don't want to talk about it out here in the hall," she whispered, "I think you know why. Let's go to my room."

He wanted to ask if that was safe, but he remained quiet as they walked to her room and shut the door. Beast Boy couldn't help but think of what had happened the last time they were in this room together, although he struggled to purge the images from his mind. Quietly, he waited as she walked over and sat down upon her well-made bed.

"Is it over?" he asked.

"I think so," she answered, "Thank goodness, I think it's finally over."

"That's good," he responded evenly, "Now you won't have to hide from us so much."

"Yeah. Thanks for not telling anyone else about it," she said.

"It seemed personal," he explained, "I figured that if you wanted them to know you would tell them."

"Thanks anyway," she continued.

The awkwardness hung in the air like a strange scent, but Beast Boy had no idea what to do. There was a lot more that he wanted to say to Raven, but this couldn't be the right time or place. Just as he had for so long now, he waited.

"I'm sorry," she blurted out suddenly.

"For what?" he asked, genuinely confused.

"Things have gotten so strange between us," she said, "and I know it's because of what happened. I'm really sorry I kissed you."

He took a deep breath. "I'm not," he managed softly.

"What?" she questioned, the expression upon her face difficult to read.

"I'm not sorry it happened," he said more strongly then before, "I'm only sorry that it wasn't because you wanted to. If I had known, then I wouldn't kissed you back. I just thought that maybe you felt something for me."

She looked at him long and hard, her eyes shimmering as the slightest whisper of a smile caressed her lips. Stepping forward, she leaned in and kissed him softly. It didn't have the passion of their first kiss, but somehow it held more promise. He was the first to move away.

"I thought you said that it was over," he said.

"It is," she answered.

"But then, why?"

She blinked a few times as she struggled to word her answer. "I lied to you," she finally said, "when I said that it was everyone I couldn't trust myself around. I did have urges in general, but it was you that I really wanted. I purposely followed you that night because I wanted to be with you."

"You lied?" he asked, "Why?"

"It would have made things more difficult," she answered, "If I had told you how I felt but that we had to stay away from each other - that wouldn't have been right."

"So you decided to lie," he said, anger creeping into his voice, "Do you know how that made me feel? Don't think I would have been willing to wait?"

"Yeah, I guess," she managed, surprised for Beast Boy rarely became angry, "but it would have been harder."

"For who?" he shot back, "I've spent all this time feeling like a fool and waiting for what I thought was nothing. At least I would have known." He turned to leave.

She grabbed his arm and spun him around, her own feelings rising like a snake ready to strike. "Do you know how hard it would have been if I had admitted to myself how I felt about you? I was having enough trouble as it was. I had to lie or we couldn't have waited - or at least I couldn't.."

"It still hurts that you didn't think you could trust me," he said.

"I trusted you," she explained, "It was me I couldn't trust. I'm sorry."

"Yeah, I know," he said, the anger melting fromhis features as if it had never existed"So here's another awkward moment. How do we fix this one?"

"I don't know," she admitted.

"I do," he responded cheerfully, "I hear there's a good movie playing downtown. Do you want to go?"

"You mean like a date?"

"That's what they usually call it," he answered.

"Well, I guess," she said dramatically, "It's not like there's anything else to do."

"Oh, you're cruel," he said, "be ready by eight." With a gentle smile and laugh, he left the room as Raven stood there thinking about what just occurred. It was a date - a simple date with no sex involved.

But had her desires truly ran their course?

AN: Two more chapters to go now! I hope that everyone has enjoyed reading this so far. For whatever reason, this chapter was really hard to end.


	7. Bad Movies and Hurt Feelings

AN: Sorry for the slow update. This section was difficult to write and I had a few other things I had to get done.

Raven stood silently in the yellow light of the bathroom as she wondered if this was just a little too convenient. There had been a tense moment when she had admitted to Beast Boy that she had lied to him. She had seen the anger darken his face like a storm cloud covering the sun as they stood on the border of an argument. Then, as quickly as it had appeared, the storm had vanished and he had asked her to go on a date with him. This all felt so strange and peculiar.

Yet, somehow it felt right.

A soft smile found its way to her lips as she stepped back to examine her appearance in a conservative blue dress. She still felt that she was far from beautiful, but it certainly was an improvement. Still smiling, she left the bathroom and almost bumped into Starfire, who appeared to be quite surprised at her appearance.

"I have never seen you in such clothes before," Starfire remarked.

"I guess I look weird, huh?" Raven hesitantly asked.

"No," answered Starfire with a genuine smile, "You look very nice. But tell me: why are you dressed this way?"

Raven paused momentarily. Beast Boy and she had never discussed how much they were going to tell the others at this point, and she briefly thought about downplaying her plans. Yet, she realized the time for deception had passed and now it was time to be open and honest.

"You may not believe this," Raven began

………………………….

The movie was unbelievable. Sadly, however, what was so hard to believe was that anyone could make such a bad movie unintentionally. The plot, although predictable, wasn't so bad but it was hampered by horrible acting, terrible dialogue, and a camera crew who seemed bent on exploring every peculiar and nauseating new angle.

Raven could tell Beast Boy was upset. After all, this was their first actual date and what if this movie was merely a foreshadowing of things to come? As he often did, he tried to cover up his nervousness and anxiety by making jokes – remarking that he had seen better acting in an episode of "Spongebob Squarepants." Sometimes, his use of defensive humor annoyed her, but now she it found comforting in the face of arguably the worst movie she had ever seen. As he launched into making fun of the characters themselves, she actually joined in to help.

"_I just don't know, Sheila,"_ an over muscled man onscreen said, "_I just don't know what to do."_

"I mean, this is my first job in a movie," Beast Boy added, "And I'm bombing."

"_Oh, Jim,"_ cooed his female co-star, whose acting ability was far eclipsed by her bra size, "_We'll figure something out."_

Raven continued, "I hear that infomercials pay fairly well."

"_But they'll keep coming after me,"_ Jim moaned, "_Nothing will stop them."_

Beast Boy muttered, "Those darn bill collectors. I knew I shouldn't have charged for acting lessons."

"_I'll stay by your side, no matter what!"_ Sheila cried dramatically, "_I would rather be dead then live without you. Even if the bullets are flying, I will be there with you!"_

It was Raven's turn. "Besides, I hear that silicone is bulletproof."

They both began laughing, leaving the few moviegoers who hadn't already left to turn and look in wonder. It appeared that it was amazing to them that anyone could actually be enjoying this movie.

"I'm sorry," Beast Boy said, as his laughter tapered, "I know this movie stinks."

"It's okay," Raven responded, "It's not like you could have known."

"The reviewer who said that this movie was good was either drunk or he was paid off!"

Raven glanced at the screen where Jim and Sheila were holding each other as everything (literally) exploded around them. "Or else he wondered into the wrong movie and just got the title mixed up."

Beast Boy laughed again. "Maybe he said, softly, as he leaned forward. She knew that he was going to kiss her and she didn't move away.

This was the first time he had instigated a kiss between them and, as he shifted his arms around her, the feeling that this was right continued to grow. There was both promise and passion in this kiss that was simultaneously innocent and knowing.

He paused, moving back slightly, but their faces remained close as he looked into her eyes. Seemingly satisfied with what he found shimmering in her violet irises, he smiled and resumed the kiss.

He pressed harder this time, as he pulled her closer. Their bodies fit together as if they had been designed for one another as her heart began to beat like a primitive drum, filling her ears with the sound. In that moment, nothing existed except the sound of her own heartbeat and the feel of his kiss.

Suddenly, a horrible thought bloomed in her mind like a black rose. The urges – the time of her desire had not subsided. It had tricked her and had just been waiting for the proper time to reemerge. She couldn't do this.

She shoved him back hard, and he immediately let go, but the confusion was so obvious on his face. "Raven?" he asked.

There was no answer that she could give, as she turned and ran from the theater. The night air slapped at her with its cool fingers as she stepped into the darkness. Her strength and energy ebbed and she leaned against the outside wall of the theater for support.

"Raven?" Beast Boy asked, again. He had followed her outside. "It's not over is it?"

"I thought it was," she managed, "but now, I don't know."

"You don't know?" he repeated, his brow furrowing slightly, "I'm sorry. If I had any idea, I wouldn't have kissed you."

Irrational anger rose within with a white, rushing light. "Yeah right," she retorted, "I'm sure you were just waiting for the chance."

"That's not fair," he responded, his voice rising slightly, "If you didn't know, then how was I supposed to?"

Even in her irrational state, she could see his logic but she couldn't respond to it just now. "Forget it," she mumbled.

"No," he insisted, "You act like you're blaming me. I said I was sorry. What's going on here? Somehow, we're right back where we started a couple of weeks ago."

"And where would you like us to be right now?" she demanded, "My bed or yours?"

"I don't believe this!" he said, truly angry now, "You might find this hard to believe, but I didn't just take you out just so I could sleep with you. Sex is not the only thing on my mind. I don't know what you're problem is."

"You're my problem!" she yelled, but the moment the words left her mouth she regretted them. After all, she had been mad at herself and not him.

He winced as if he had been hit and took a step back. "Okay," he said in a subdued tone, "but I'm not going to say I'm sorry again. I've said it too much lately. I just don't understand one thing. Why did you confess those things and agree to this date if you were just going to push me away again?" He turned and left, allowing the darkness to swallow his retreating figure.

Raven struggled not to cry as he left because she knew he had been right. She was still pushing him away.

………………………….

It was late when she returned to the Tower and it appeared that everyone was already asleep. She had done a lot of thinking the past few hours since Beast Boy and she had parted ways, but she didn't have many answers. She did care for him and she did want to be with him – she understand that much. Yet, every time they were close and she felt the slightest bit of desire, she questioned the source. How would she ever know if what she felt was real? Maybe it was best that she had driven Beast Boy away because this situation was really unfair to him.

She made her way to her room and, to her surprise, found Starfire sitting on the floor by her door, obviously waiting for her return.

"Friend!" Starfire greeted, jumping to her feet, "You have returned! You must tell me all about your date!"

"Not much to tell," Raven mumbled, averting her gaze in hopes that Starfire couldn't tell she had been crying.

"Your date did not go well?" Starfire asked.

"That's one way of putting it," Raven answered.

"Do you wish to talk about it?"

Raven shook her head. "I don't think you would understand."

"Perhaps not," Starfire allowed, taking Raven's hands in her own, "But I will listen."

Despite her pain and confusion, Raven smiled weakly. "Okay," she agreed, "but it's a long story."

AN: I guess it's only fitting that the longest chapter deserves the most ending notes. I originally said that there would only be one chapter following this one, but now I'm not sure. This story has changed a bit from when I first started writing. The rough draft of this section didn't even include Starfire, originally. This was the first time I ever attempted to really write her character, and I hope it came out well. So, Raven still questions her own feelings, so where is that going to leave Beast Boy? I guess only the next chapter will tell.

Jim and Sheila – I'm glad you can laugh at yourselves. Remember, the movie scene was not written with any mean intentions but with a heckuva lot of love!

On one really strange note, I actually did write the entire plot of the movie. I didn't want to include all of it as it wasn't really important to the story, however.


End file.
